My grandma fought very hard for 5 years before passing away at the age of 64, the first round of treatment went extremely well, but when she relapsed it wasn’t as good. She didn’t react as well as she had the first time and she became very fragile. The hardest part for her this time was loosing all her hair. It was hard for me also, because she didn’t look like who my grandma looked I grew up with.
Growing up, I spent as much time as I could with her she would take me to the zoo and we would sing Cory Hart and watch Anne of Green Gables together. It was the perfect time spent with grandma. When she relapsed the cancer had spread into her lymph nodes and it became harder for her to fight, as she grew more tired as the time passed. I remember at one point she came to spend a month with us as the treatment got harder and she could only eat organic food, her arm was in a sling due to side effects of chemotherapy, and I was scared to even hug as I thought it would hurt her. Again though she fought it off and we were relieved thinking she was in the clear.
At this point I was in Kelowna going to university, my grandma would send me cards and we would exchange emails as much as possible and she always told me to never give up and to stick to my dreams as she believed that I would always be able to achieve them.
In my second year of university I was talking to my dad one night and he told me that grandma was sick, instantly I asked what kind of sick and he said that the doctors figured its vertigo. I didn’t think too much of it as my dad told me not to worry. The next week rolled around and grandma was still extremely sick my dad took her to the doctors again. They came to the conclusion that she was relapsing again but this time the cancer has spread to her brain and she had many tumors, some the size of golf balls. I waited all day that day to receive the phone call from my dad, I was heading into the final bit of school with exams fast approaching but I was told it was going to be okay even though it was too late to operate. My grandmother was also extremely tired and she wasn’t sure she had it in her to fight anymore. My first thought at this point was I need to get home as soon as possible, but my dad reassured me she would be fine and he would let me know when I needed to come home. I made it through exams and as soon as I had written my last final and moved into a place for the summer I got the call that I needed to go home as she was “going down hill” extremely fast. She had gone from driving herself to dinners with friends to needing two people to help her get up and walk to the bathroom in a matter of a week.
I knew as soon as I landed in Calgary we would be going to see her. The whole flight I prepared myself for what was to come next, but as soon as I walked in the door and saw her I realized no amount of preparing had me ready for this. I began the battle with myself of trying to keep the tears off my face and stay as positive as I could for my grandma. Due to the fact that it was too late to battle this one out she was on a handful of medications trying to keep her comfortable but weren’t really doing anything for her. Sitting with her on the couch that night we talked she looked at me and said “Cai-lei, I’m extremely tired I want to go to sleep and never wake up again”. To some point I wanted her to as well because I didn’t want her to be in pain anymore. This was one of the toughest things to be told in my life. My dad and I got her to bed that night waited until she was somewhat relaxed and we drove home. For the next couple of days we woke up at about 6:30 got coffee and went to her house as someone needed to be there for when she woke up. I spent everyday with her and kept her company, she told me a lot of stories about when I was little, and every so often she would get upset. We eventualy moved grandma into a hospice she disliked her new “home” making it extremely hard to see but we did as much as we could to make her happy and keep her comfortable.
Near the end of the week my dad, my sister and I went and got tattoos for her. We showed them to her and she called us all buggars but was very curious as to why we had gotten and why we got them. She liked knowing these kinds of things, so I explained to my grandmother that mine says grandma in Japanese so I would always remember her as my grandma Matsumoto. She ended up loving all of our tattoos. That week came to an end I went and said what we all thought to be my final goodbye, it was very hard to do but we both made it through and she left me with wonderful thoughts. When I walked out of her room I thought wow that was the last time I would see her, but when I returned home about a month later she was still fighting. I spent as much time as I could with her that weekend, when I went to return to Kelowna and say goodbye to her again in my head I didn’t think of it as a final goodbye and I figured I would see her again. This time I was wrong, dad kept updating me for the next couple of weeks and she was very consistent, then she started “going down hill”. On July 4th 2008, at about 6pm my dad sent me a message saying that the end was coming soon, I didn’t exactly know how to take it as I was in the middle of getting my haircut for my birthday dinner that night, so I said okay and started dealing with it on the inside. At about 9pm in Kelowna friends and I were about to walk into earls when my phone rang and it was my dad, before I answered I knew she was gone, he didn’t say anything to me on the phone and after a minute said call me back. We hung up my one friend asked me if I wanted to continue on with dinner and I said yes cause I knew my grandma would’ve been upset if I didn’t. My dad called me back and he had booked me on the first flight to Calgary in the morning, which was my birthday.
From that moment on to this day I still regret not getting on the next flight out after my dad told me the end was coming. I feel as if I let her down because I wasn’t there beside her. When I landed in Calgary the morning of the 5th we began prepping for the funeral and trying to get everything in order, it was another hard week. It has now been about 9 months since she passed away and some days are still harder then others. I have troubles still wrapping my head around the fact that I can’t see her again and that she is gone forever. Everyday I wish she was still around, but I cherish every memory I have with her which keeps me going.
Together we ride........ with Cai-lei and the Matsumoto family I know Grandma Matsumoto will be pushing those pedals along the way,
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